"scams"

Please don't get me wrong.. I know, all too well, that in domestic adoption situations there are women (and sometimes men) who try to scam hopeful adoptive parents with the promises of a baby -- when either there never was a baby, or if there was -- he/she was being used as bait to lure in many desperate couples at once -- all willing to suspend belief (and good sense) and send buckets of money to a pregnant woman with no intention of placing her child.

In fact, I spoke to one young woman over email who apparently has been identified as a scammer -- and she'll be featured on a Primetime (or Primetime-esque) show next month where she's apparently going to be confronted by angry HAPs who had been 'matched' with her.

So yes, there are - forgive the terminology - "birthmom scams" out there.

But I have a strong feeling that when the credits role at the end of the Primetime or Dateline show next month -- the whole story on "adoption scams" won't have been told. Not by a longshot.

I lurk on a board dedicated to exposing and alerting HAPs to "birthmom scams". Names of expectant moms considering adoption, often along with oodles of their identifying information (including pictures, medical history, etc) are forwarded to this group by HAPs "checking in" to see if anyone has 'heard of' or is 'talking to' a prospective birthparent. Get one "Yep, I'm talking with her too" response back, and the girl is quickly labeled as a potential scammer. "Be careful..."

I've seen people ask about a Shannon (name/situation picked out of the air here, folks) in Michigan due with a boy in July to receive responses to be careful because a Shanna in Cali due with a girl in July was asked about a few weeks ago -- and hell -- both of them are probably the same person! And they're probably scamming!!!

..Anyway, this topic has been weighing on my mine lately because I just received a sad email update that a friend of a friend (who was facing an unexpected pregnancy and who had been considering adoption) had decided against adoption after talking with a few sets of adoptive parents and eventually being trotted out online as a potential scammer. She even had one woman tell her that she was with an adoption agency, and even though this friend of a friend didn't sign with her or anything, the woman still placed an ad (as a facilitator) indicating that she was representing her.

Understandably, this first exposure to the world of domestic adoption turned my friend of a friend off to the idea completely. She chose (for a number of reasons, many beyond the scope of this post I'm sure) to end the pregnancy instead.

And I'm sad about that -- not that she chose to exercise her right to terminate her pregnancy, but that she had the adoption experience she had. How horrible to have your motives questioned and your body and child treated as a commodity. It just pisses me off.

It also resonates with me so strongly because James' birthmom was accused online (quite strongly) of being a scammer. She was devastated. But I have some wiggly, snuggly, beautiful proof that that accusation is/was a load of shit. And S's story of being an expectant mother navigating domestic adoption is horrifying -- a journey that took her though a few sets of horrifying, immoral, bigoted and unethical HAPs before finding J and I.

But her story is not mine to tell here. And sadly, her story -- and those of countless other birthmoms and expectant moms considering adoption -- won't be told on a Primetime special anytime soon.

So yes. I'm sad tonight.