fascinating read....

Dawn, over at ThisWomansWork, wrote an amazing article for Salon entitled "Open adoption, broken heart" that details the open adoption between her family (adoptive) and the birth family of her daughter Madison.

I read it this morning and cried.

Her depiction of leaving the hospital with Madison mirrors my experience of leaving the hospital with James.

Here's a paragraph I wrote in another journal a few weeks before James was born:

"For those of you who are control freaks (as I am), the last few weeks before you're about to become a parent are crazy-making. I'm sure this is true for anyone about to welcome a child into their life, but it's particularly true for those adding kids though domestic adoption. It's like: be excited about this baby, but he's not really your baby yet, and he won't be yours even after he's born for several days, but he needs to bond... so love him with all your might, just remember that bioparents have every right to parent, and that the baby isn't always real to them until after he/she is born, so it may not work out, but still, it might... so you have to be prepared financially, emotionally, and logistically, but still... try to keep back a part of your heart in case it doesn't work out, even if you are buying baby detergent to pre-wash tiny clothes and your friends are beside themselves and your checking into baptismal stuff at your church, blah blah blah blah."

I can't imagine what S's feelings were/are about choosing to have us parent James, but I can remember her anguish in the hospital during the first few days after James was born. S had a very well-defined birthplan that included her not wanting contact with James after he was born - she wanted us to immediately take over with all parenting/medical decisions. (We had been prepared for and excited about an matching with an expectant mom who wanted a very open adoption and instead had been chosen by a wonderful woman who was adamant at wanting little to no contact with her birthchild after his birth and with us once she returned home after TPRs were signed.)

I can remember wanting to be with S in her room instead of with James in ours. Of course I wanted to be with J and James -- learning this new life that may become my son, but I also desperately wanted to reassure S that we didn't just want her baby and that we truly did care for her as a person. I was so afraid she'd feel like an incubator. I was also so afraid to fall in love with James -- as I was all too aware that S may choose to parent him.

The hours I spent with S after James' birth are ones I will treasure always. We cried together. She asked me questions about James.. "Is he cute?" "I bet he's cute..." We watched Roseanne on the wall-mounted TV, holding hands. I snuck her in some powdered mini-donuts because she hated hospital food. I relayed and advocated for her requests to the nurses and the hospital social worker.

Our hospital experience overall was pretty mixed. On one hand, J and I were treated quite well -- we were given a room to ourselves for the entire hospital stay (we were discharged with James when S. was discharged), and we had access to the nurses who treated us as any new parents (which we were worried about, considering we were a same-sex couple at a Catholic hospital).

On the other hand, the nurses/social worker were relatively invasive in their questions and S's hospital experience was very frustrating. The staff had some preconcieved ideas about what an adoption looked like, and were (rightfully) very protective of S. S viewed this "protectiveness" very negatively though -- she felt as though she was being told how to grieve and didn't want to have to rehash her feelings with every rotation of new nurses. She also felt pressure to parent. Plus, none of the staff knew what to do with S.'s close relationship to J and I -- I think they worried that we may be influencing her. Meanwhile J and I were just trying to advocate for S, all the while trying to convey to her that we were very respectful of her current role as James' mother and that we were completely okay with her changing her mind about bonding with (or even parenting) James. The last thing we wanted was for S to feel as though she had to place James if she had reconsidered her choice.

After S was discharged, I walked her out of the hospital and got her situated in the backseat of the car that would be taking her back to where she was staying. We hugged goodbye and I told her we'd call her that night to check in. We shared a look that spoke volumes, though I can't do it justice in writing. The car left and I watched it go until I couldn't see it anymore. I kept it together for the walk back to our room, but completely lost it when I saw J getting James ready to be put in his new carseat for our discharge.

We were discharged on Valentine's day. I sobbed uncontrollably as I sat in back seat of our car next to James while we drove the short distance between the hospital and our home. I remember seeing the traditonal white and red paper hearts on many shops and doors (left by a local Valentine "phantom" who's been peppering Portland for thirty years) and I was overwhelmed with so many emotions -- appreciation, love, sadness, guilt, fear, excitement, concern -- the tears just started and wouldn't stop. Then our CD played kicked on the next track on a mix CD J had made a few weeks before, and suddenly we were listening to 'Sweet Baby James'. James must have been worrying about his new mom's emotional stability.

* * *

In her article, Dawn writes: "I had been picturing the two of us [she and her daughter's birthmother]balanced on opposite sides of a tipping scale. If one of us was the real mother, then the other one was not. If one of us was happy, then the other must be sad."

I've learned that in order to successfully and joyfully attempt/complete an adoption journey, you must be okay with living daily with complexity. Adoption is at once a gain and a loss. Excitement and fear. Happiness and sorrow. There are two (in our case three!) REAL mothers of every adopted person. James is my child, and he is S's child.

Anyway... please read Dawn's article. It expresses all this so much better than I can.


xo