Monday, December 18, 2006

a girl can change her mind... right?

Ok, that sounds sexist/stereotypical, but really, it fits in this situation: I've changed my mind yet again and J and I are starting to chart her temps. We're going to explore what babymakin' would entail and look into J's fertility before ruling it out.

While adoption interests me more in almost all ways, we can't get past costs. And I want another child sometime before James is 67. :| So, we have an appointment with Dr. Good Track Record, our mama friends' IUI and fertility guru for the beginning of January, and I woke up J this morning to take her temp for the first time. lol. (97.24!) Then, later, as it's CD14, J did an OPK and it was positive.


It's still overwhelming, and I still worry about all that could go wrong. But I'm a tiny bit excited too.

We'll see, eh?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

irritated. aka: the biggest whinefest EVER.

The last few weeks have been a huge ball of clusterfuckedness. In between short periods of feeling happy or at least content, I've been alternately irritated, sad, angry, impatient, lonely, frustrated, manic and depressed.


Here goes.

1. Babymaking. I'm just not feeling it. Charting, researching donors, even talking about it -- I'm really, really, not drawn to the intricacies of TTC and pregnancy. I think the years of talking to mostly infertile people about TTC has definitely colored how I feel about trying to make a baby. I'm pessimistic at best, and a big 'ol Debbie Downer at worst. Plus honestly, I want to adopt baby number two. I just do. I want to connect with a birthfamily. I want to research lawyers and agencies, not donors and sperm banks. How we'll afford it still ridiculously unclear, but I think J and I are going to wait and save for an adoption, or look for lower-cost adoption alternatives, rather than make a baby. I may go insane during the wait, but oh well. Neither of us are really into TTC the way we need to be to chart effectively, despite the potential financial savings (and who the hell knows there, right?).

2. Famdamily. J and I just got back from visiting her parents and are in our usual two week recovery period. Going home brings up six bazillion feelings of guilt and sadness for J. She'll wall them up for the visit, and then turn into this evilly cranky alter ego for a week to two weeks after we get back. I should know not to needle her during this time*, but end up doing so anyhow. It's never pretty.

3. Shitty internet drama. Unbloggable, but still in the mix, so felt I should at least mention it. Bah.

4. Friends. I've been shitty at returning calls (Hi J/S! Love you!) and missing some really important friends. Also, there seems to be universal law that as soon as I get super crazy close to a girlfriend they must move far out of state posthaste. I've therefore not really been processing any of the above in a meaningful way, beyond therapy (and my wonderful therapist just lost her pregnancy decently far along, so I'm sure my stories of boo hoo not wanting to get pregnant/ why can't I adopt are just *thrilling* to listen to). Therapists only take you so far. I want a real live flesh and blood girlfriend to A: do things with and B: eventually feel close enough to talk to about our lives on a regularish basis. Bonus points for having/understanding food/weight issues and being willing to hear me flesh out family making strategies. Double bonus points for being Shannon. :(

5. Appointments/time sucks: Apparently every possible appointment I've been waiting on for months had to be scheduled during our vacation for RIGHT after we got back. James' speech therapy, Dr's appointments, work crap, blah blah. Plus our vacation was Tues - Tues due to cheap-ass airline tickets, so J had a ton of work related stuff to do when we got back that was barely impossible to fit into Wednesday and Thursday for her court on Friday. Oh, and our car lost heat and then temporarily died (all is well now, though). Last week SUCKED.

6. Food: Yeah. I've been eating HORRIBLY. Cupcake for breakfast? Sure! Eating fast food twice last week? Why not?! Vegetables? I'm sorry -- what? Anyway. I need to reconnect to healthy eating and exercise again. And soon.


Honestly, it hasn't been all bad. James has been a particular bright spot. J and I haven't killed eachother and have been making eachother laugh a lot lately, so I know things are ok at a macro level. Look for a much MUCH happier post on James (He talks! He grows!) next.

* Needling examples include: "Ha ha! You're going to have to track your cervical mucus!" and "Can we make a time to talk about the earliest possible date you're willing to have another baby living here?"