James' newest love: obsessive teeth brushing. 
Getting ready for a bike ride. Grossly cute. Gross.Wednesday, August 30, 2006
two pics...
James' newest love: obsessive teeth brushing. Getting ready for a bike ride. Grossly cute. Gross.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Also,
Q: Is it sad when you start to post about your issues with being avoidant but then stop because when you look at it all out there in black and white it starts to feel/look scary so you erase it, thereby exhibiting your avoidance issues all over again?
A: yes.
(also, also: can you tell who has to create Jeopardy! questions for her workplace's annual fall retreat today?)
A: yes.
(also, also: can you tell who has to create Jeopardy! questions for her workplace's annual fall retreat today?)
oh myspace.
seriously, if you are looking to find a long-lost someone under the age of 30, save your energy and just go to myspace. i did.
long ago in my living-wit-my-parents-going-to-highschool days I used to babysit a little girl, J and eventually her two younger sisters (twins) K and A. J will be 20 (?!?!) this September and I haven't talked with her or her family since in years -- at least eight. When I think of J, I picture the pretty, athletic, easygoing GIRL she was... listening to the spice girls, swimming in her pool... playing basketball.
These girls lived kitty-corner from my parents house and were my first venture into babysitting. I started watching J when she was just under 3. I was 12. I was over there ALL the time... four nights a week sometimes. All day in the summers and on vacations. They were an intergral part of my life. The last time I really spent any time with J she was twelve. Her sisters were 8.
And it was completely my fault that I lost touch with them. ...J's parents are good people. Very Catholic good people. And when I finally figured out that I was queer (at 21) I was terrified of coming out to them. I harbored a significant amount of internalized homophobia and thought that if I told them they wouldn't let me know the girls. So, stupidly, I chose to distance myself from the family before they could cut me off. I regret this immensely. I miss my girls, especially my J, who functioned as a little sister to me.
So anyway, yesterday I found J's myspace account. She's brilliant -- going into her second year of college, skydiving, dating a cute boy she's serious about... basically finding out who she in in that late teens/early twenties way. She's not that little girl anymore... but from what I read I admire who she is and who she's becoming. I wrote her and she was thrilled to hear from me. :)
And today when I looked at her 'bulletins' section she took time to re-post a widely-cirulated email top 10 on hypocrisy in arguments against gay marriage. I almost cried.
long ago in my living-wit-my-parents-going-to-highschool days I used to babysit a little girl, J and eventually her two younger sisters (twins) K and A. J will be 20 (?!?!) this September and I haven't talked with her or her family since in years -- at least eight. When I think of J, I picture the pretty, athletic, easygoing GIRL she was... listening to the spice girls, swimming in her pool... playing basketball.
These girls lived kitty-corner from my parents house and were my first venture into babysitting. I started watching J when she was just under 3. I was 12. I was over there ALL the time... four nights a week sometimes. All day in the summers and on vacations. They were an intergral part of my life. The last time I really spent any time with J she was twelve. Her sisters were 8.
And it was completely my fault that I lost touch with them. ...J's parents are good people. Very Catholic good people. And when I finally figured out that I was queer (at 21) I was terrified of coming out to them. I harbored a significant amount of internalized homophobia and thought that if I told them they wouldn't let me know the girls. So, stupidly, I chose to distance myself from the family before they could cut me off. I regret this immensely. I miss my girls, especially my J, who functioned as a little sister to me.
So anyway, yesterday I found J's myspace account. She's brilliant -- going into her second year of college, skydiving, dating a cute boy she's serious about... basically finding out who she in in that late teens/early twenties way. She's not that little girl anymore... but from what I read I admire who she is and who she's becoming. I wrote her and she was thrilled to hear from me. :)
And today when I looked at her 'bulletins' section she took time to re-post a widely-cirulated email top 10 on hypocrisy in arguments against gay marriage. I almost cried.
Monday, July 31, 2006
my imaginary friends in the internet....
Well! There is such great news happening in my corner of the internet! Yay!
Oh... and I thought of this poem when NOvary found out her daughter Maya's Chinese name means 'morning star', but I think it's appropriate for those still waiting for their kiddos too....
Morning Poem, Mary Oliver
Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange
sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again
and fasten themselves to the high branches ---
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands
of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails
for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it
the thorn
that is heavier than lead ---
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging ---
there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted ---
each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,
whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.
........
On a completely separate topic... and while I'm playing with links...
For those with consumerist tendencies who love to buy handmade.... check out etsy.com. The deliciousness will consume you.
Oh... and I thought of this poem when NOvary found out her daughter Maya's Chinese name means 'morning star', but I think it's appropriate for those still waiting for their kiddos too....
Morning Poem, Mary Oliver
Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange
sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again
and fasten themselves to the high branches ---
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands
of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails
for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it
the thorn
that is heavier than lead ---
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging ---
there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted ---
each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,
whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.
........
On a completely separate topic... and while I'm playing with links...
For those with consumerist tendencies who love to buy handmade.... check out etsy.com. The deliciousness will consume you.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
oh and...
for those of you smarties in bloggerland....
Why, WHY is my links area on the right pushed way down to the bottom? I think it's because of the size of my pics, but is there a way to make it fixed in place at the top? Also, is there a way to get the text in my posts (on the left) to not start at the very edge of the screen?
Help a technodolt out..... please.
Why, WHY is my links area on the right pushed way down to the bottom? I think it's because of the size of my pics, but is there a way to make it fixed in place at the top? Also, is there a way to get the text in my posts (on the left) to not start at the very edge of the screen?
Help a technodolt out..... please.
i am way linear.
See, I need to post more regular updates, because when I wait forever between posts I have way too much stuff I want to talk about when I finally *do* sit down at the computer and then I can't effectively organize my thoughts.
Which is bad when you're a linear person.
So, kids, it's yet another list.
1. "Just adopt." The internets in all their glory have deconstructed JA better than I'll ever be able to, so here's my tiny addendum and then I'll leave it alone. Witnessing a former boss struggle with IF for over 9 years (three of which I witnessed day-to-heartbreaking-day) gave me more of an education in how to be sensitive to IF issues then I ever would have dreampt possible. The idea of cavalierly throwing out "Why don't you just adopt?" to her as she painfully endured failed cycle after failed cycle was (and is) beyond my comprehension. I truly don't get how anyone could be as thoughtless as to frame adoption as an option this way. Truly.
Do I think adoption is as valid of a family building mechanism as birthing? Duh. Of course. I'm a adoption-as-a-first-choicer. And I appreciate the intent behind *some* people's JA attitude... whe it's meant in the "Wow, I hate to see you in so much pain and I don't know what to say to be helpful... what about adoption? Could that work for you?" way. The intentions then are well meaning, even if the delivery falls short of being remotely helpful.
And I have to admit.... being an adoptive parent, my default for family building is adoption. Adoption brought me James, and I can't imagine parenting any other child. Adoption also brought me into knowing S. and a host of other wonderful people and exposed me to ideas and insight that I never would have had otherwise. And while adoption is complicated sometimes... particularly the more you try to really understand other triad member's experiences... I can't help but want to slip the web address to PACT or something to everyone I know struggling with babymaking. And yes... I do refrain... because I realize that IF journeys and adoption journeys are different... and that adoption isn't (and shouldn't be) a solution to IF.
Still though... when I think of all the amazing people I know in the baby-making world... people who would really *get* the complexities that adoption brings... who would be ethical and respectful Aparents... it's all I can do not to gift them with the gay toaster equivalent of adoption initiation.
2. Terminology... You know what.. I don't care if this pegs me as a PC liberal (dude, cause I AM one) but terminology matters. If S. prefered a term other than 'birthmother' I'd use it. Hands down. Natural mom, first mom, original mom.... plain ol' 'mom' (gasp!) none of these terms in any way diminishes my role as James' momma. James knows who I am. Even when he likes my mother more than me. (oh Nanas of the world... you have it so good.) I think one of the BEST gifts we can give our children as adoptive parents is being secure in our roles and actively working on checking our defensiveness and entitlement.
I've written before about the woman (prospective adoptive Guatemama, well-off, two bio kids) in my adoption classes who absolutely refused to refer to the bio mom of her soon-to-be-daughter as a mother in any form. Her terminology preference: Birthlady. If that doesn't smack of being incredibly threatened, I don't know what does. I feel for her daughter too -- how much pressure she's going to feel to support her mom.. to not "make waves"... to not long for contact or birth history.
I've heard somewhere (I think Dr. Phil? LOL. *Ducking*) that kids shouldn't come into this world with jobs. Kids shouldn't be born (or adopted) into a family to save a marriage, or to help a parent get their shit together, or to solve IF or to bolster a parent who is insecure in their role as mom or dad. Our children will live most of their lives as adults... forming and reforming connections with all sorts of other adults.. and if we want them to be close with us and to value us as their parents, we need to be open and respectful of the other connections (to mentors, teachers, spouses, birthfamilies, friends, etc) they're going to make.
And while we're on terminology.... for the last bloody time: if you're an adoptive parent and you have spoken with a woman who is considering you as the parents to her child... that woman is an expectant mother or 'mother'. She is not a potential anything. She DEFINITELY isn't a birthmother. ....I'm really not saying this to be snarky or nitpicky... and I vividly remember how flipping exciting it was to learn that we may be parents... but squishing down the entitlement factor in a pre-birth match is IMO completely necessary for your own sanity. Before that woman gives birth, remakes her decision and terminates her parental rights... you, lovely and wonderful prospective adoptive parents that you are, are just an option. That baby, simply by where he/she is exisiting in time and space (aka: another woman's uterus) is just not your baby yet. He/she may become your baby (and good freaking luck not getting invested in that) but the experiences and journey of an expectant mom facing a crisis pregnancy just really, really isn't about you.
The hardest words for me to hear just after James was born came from our lawyer: "She hasn't signed yet. Don't get too excited." And I was pissed at her raining all over our happy lovely parade... but she was right. Had S. chosen to parent (which is as legitimate of a choice as adoption) I would have been devastated, but at least I would have had some self preservation skills from actively working on framing this experience as being S's, and not mine.
Annnyway.
3. Meh. It's the end of the workday people. My brain is mush. I'll leave you with cute James pics....
hanging out at the local kiddie pool/fountain.... so handsome
delicious craft paint. mmmmm.
Which is bad when you're a linear person.
So, kids, it's yet another list.
1. "Just adopt." The internets in all their glory have deconstructed JA better than I'll ever be able to, so here's my tiny addendum and then I'll leave it alone. Witnessing a former boss struggle with IF for over 9 years (three of which I witnessed day-to-heartbreaking-day) gave me more of an education in how to be sensitive to IF issues then I ever would have dreampt possible. The idea of cavalierly throwing out "Why don't you just adopt?" to her as she painfully endured failed cycle after failed cycle was (and is) beyond my comprehension. I truly don't get how anyone could be as thoughtless as to frame adoption as an option this way. Truly.
Do I think adoption is as valid of a family building mechanism as birthing? Duh. Of course. I'm a adoption-as-a-first-choicer. And I appreciate the intent behind *some* people's JA attitude... whe it's meant in the "Wow, I hate to see you in so much pain and I don't know what to say to be helpful... what about adoption? Could that work for you?" way. The intentions then are well meaning, even if the delivery falls short of being remotely helpful.
And I have to admit.... being an adoptive parent, my default for family building is adoption. Adoption brought me James, and I can't imagine parenting any other child. Adoption also brought me into knowing S. and a host of other wonderful people and exposed me to ideas and insight that I never would have had otherwise. And while adoption is complicated sometimes... particularly the more you try to really understand other triad member's experiences... I can't help but want to slip the web address to PACT or something to everyone I know struggling with babymaking. And yes... I do refrain... because I realize that IF journeys and adoption journeys are different... and that adoption isn't (and shouldn't be) a solution to IF.
Still though... when I think of all the amazing people I know in the baby-making world... people who would really *get* the complexities that adoption brings... who would be ethical and respectful Aparents... it's all I can do not to gift them with the gay toaster equivalent of adoption initiation.
2. Terminology... You know what.. I don't care if this pegs me as a PC liberal (dude, cause I AM one) but terminology matters. If S. prefered a term other than 'birthmother' I'd use it. Hands down. Natural mom, first mom, original mom.... plain ol' 'mom' (gasp!) none of these terms in any way diminishes my role as James' momma. James knows who I am. Even when he likes my mother more than me. (oh Nanas of the world... you have it so good.) I think one of the BEST gifts we can give our children as adoptive parents is being secure in our roles and actively working on checking our defensiveness and entitlement.
I've written before about the woman (prospective adoptive Guatemama, well-off, two bio kids) in my adoption classes who absolutely refused to refer to the bio mom of her soon-to-be-daughter as a mother in any form. Her terminology preference: Birthlady. If that doesn't smack of being incredibly threatened, I don't know what does. I feel for her daughter too -- how much pressure she's going to feel to support her mom.. to not "make waves"... to not long for contact or birth history.
I've heard somewhere (I think Dr. Phil? LOL. *Ducking*) that kids shouldn't come into this world with jobs. Kids shouldn't be born (or adopted) into a family to save a marriage, or to help a parent get their shit together, or to solve IF or to bolster a parent who is insecure in their role as mom or dad. Our children will live most of their lives as adults... forming and reforming connections with all sorts of other adults.. and if we want them to be close with us and to value us as their parents, we need to be open and respectful of the other connections (to mentors, teachers, spouses, birthfamilies, friends, etc) they're going to make.
And while we're on terminology.... for the last bloody time: if you're an adoptive parent and you have spoken with a woman who is considering you as the parents to her child... that woman is an expectant mother or 'mother'. She is not a potential anything. She DEFINITELY isn't a birthmother. ....I'm really not saying this to be snarky or nitpicky... and I vividly remember how flipping exciting it was to learn that we may be parents... but squishing down the entitlement factor in a pre-birth match is IMO completely necessary for your own sanity. Before that woman gives birth, remakes her decision and terminates her parental rights... you, lovely and wonderful prospective adoptive parents that you are, are just an option. That baby, simply by where he/she is exisiting in time and space (aka: another woman's uterus) is just not your baby yet. He/she may become your baby (and good freaking luck not getting invested in that) but the experiences and journey of an expectant mom facing a crisis pregnancy just really, really isn't about you.
The hardest words for me to hear just after James was born came from our lawyer: "She hasn't signed yet. Don't get too excited." And I was pissed at her raining all over our happy lovely parade... but she was right. Had S. chosen to parent (which is as legitimate of a choice as adoption) I would have been devastated, but at least I would have had some self preservation skills from actively working on framing this experience as being S's, and not mine.
Annnyway.
3. Meh. It's the end of the workday people. My brain is mush. I'll leave you with cute James pics....
hanging out at the local kiddie pool/fountain.... so handsome
delicious craft paint. mmmmm.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
something of substance...
Alright, sleep is eluding me, so I figured I'd actually create a post with something other than pictures. :)
I'm having a lovely holiday/vacation/birthday/adoption day anniversary weekend... complete with a trip to camp, (my family's camp, about four hours north of Ptld) a mini outlet trip to Kittery for cheap books and kids clothes ogling, and tomorrow: a romp to the beach and the annual fireworks at the Eastern Prom.
We started out the weekend with a mini scare -- J randomly hit a deer on the highway (or rather, the deer hit her) on Thursday on her way home from a late night of working, causing our car to need over 2K in body work. She's amazingly lucky that she wasn't hurt. Thank God for insurance and a relatively low deductible. :
We spent Friday morning hashing out the repair and ins. logistics and got our agent to agree to pay for us to rent a car so we could continue with our camp plans... we ended up with a fabulous Mazda 5... SO fun and roomy compared to our little sedan and the roominess would come in quite handy a bit later...
Anyway, we picked up friends A and K and left for camp Friday night. We spent Saturday and Sunday swimming, boating, window shopping, exploring, eating yummy food and playing endless rounds of board games. Dear Jesus I love summer...
Got home late last night, slept for six seconds and then we were off again this morning to spend more quality time together and with my parents.
Ooooo... and my excitement over our rental's spaciousness?? Well, I transported home the best birthday gift ever... J bought me my first big piece of art: a gorgeous, six foot long painting created by a local artist (and friend of my artsy Nana) Elizabeth Ostrander... I believe she called it "Maria of the Roses". I am in love:
the whole piece...
close up...
Ok, bedtime. xoxo
I'm having a lovely holiday/vacation/birthday/adoption day anniversary weekend... complete with a trip to camp, (my family's camp, about four hours north of Ptld) a mini outlet trip to Kittery for cheap books and kids clothes ogling, and tomorrow: a romp to the beach and the annual fireworks at the Eastern Prom.
We started out the weekend with a mini scare -- J randomly hit a deer on the highway (or rather, the deer hit her) on Thursday on her way home from a late night of working, causing our car to need over 2K in body work. She's amazingly lucky that she wasn't hurt. Thank God for insurance and a relatively low deductible. :
We spent Friday morning hashing out the repair and ins. logistics and got our agent to agree to pay for us to rent a car so we could continue with our camp plans... we ended up with a fabulous Mazda 5... SO fun and roomy compared to our little sedan and the roominess would come in quite handy a bit later...
Anyway, we picked up friends A and K and left for camp Friday night. We spent Saturday and Sunday swimming, boating, window shopping, exploring, eating yummy food and playing endless rounds of board games. Dear Jesus I love summer...
Got home late last night, slept for six seconds and then we were off again this morning to spend more quality time together and with my parents.
Ooooo... and my excitement over our rental's spaciousness?? Well, I transported home the best birthday gift ever... J bought me my first big piece of art: a gorgeous, six foot long painting created by a local artist (and friend of my artsy Nana) Elizabeth Ostrander... I believe she called it "Maria of the Roses". I am in love:
the whole piece...
close up...
Ok, bedtime. xoxo
Monday, July 03, 2006
oh baby....
Showcasing my newest 'niece' (in the chosen-family way)..... Rosie. Born to one of my closest friends, S.
Yay!
Yay!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
House envy...
Yep. That's what I'm having lately.... that and yard envy. :(
J and I sold our house last fall, as we were facing a bumpy time financially and were very, very house poor. Paying for James' adoption and living off a significantly reduced income (in order for us to stay home with James for a while) made it nearly impossible to consider not selling. So, we did.
And now we're sad. We like where we live now (it's just as big as our house and it's a nice place, plus we have wonderful friends for landlords) but it just isn't our *home* the way our house on Dennett was. Lately it seems everyone is house hunting or gearing up to do be new homeowners and, while I'm happy for them, I'm over here hosting the year's best pity party, with a guestlist of 1. Boo.
We're in no shape to buy a house right now: our credit is in serious recovery from the fall and we'd have toturn to bankrobbery creatively finance a downpayment to even consider our own place.
Blah.
/piss and moan
J and I sold our house last fall, as we were facing a bumpy time financially and were very, very house poor. Paying for James' adoption and living off a significantly reduced income (in order for us to stay home with James for a while) made it nearly impossible to consider not selling. So, we did.
And now we're sad. We like where we live now (it's just as big as our house and it's a nice place, plus we have wonderful friends for landlords) but it just isn't our *home* the way our house on Dennett was. Lately it seems everyone is house hunting or gearing up to do be new homeowners and, while I'm happy for them, I'm over here hosting the year's best pity party, with a guestlist of 1. Boo.
We're in no shape to buy a house right now: our credit is in serious recovery from the fall and we'd have to
Blah.
/piss and moan
Sunday, June 18, 2006
it's that time of year....
Happy Pride, everyone. :)
This post is picture heavy, but I wanted to share a few pictures of my chosen family.... all of these were taken yesterday (6/17) at our local Pride event, and later -- at a free outdoor Lori McKenna concert. :)
Taken from the parade....this flag was seriously enormous.
Here's James, J, Uncle Xander and Lucy, hanging at the festival post-paradey goodness...
And here's a close up of the fabulous Miss Lucy, resplendent in her summer dress and in love with her feet...
Ok, not sure what's happening with James' outfit here, but he's pictured with his Tante/Godmother Holly...
We were a pretty big kid contingent for Pride... here we all are picnicing...
Our newest friend Mattea, a-freaking-dorable in her Pride bling and yogurt face...
All of this left Jamesy a very tired boy...
And the nap was important 'cause we only stopped at home briefly to check on the pup and then headed straight to Freeport for the free Lori show (fabulous!)...
Here Uncle Stephen (James' Godfather and our housemate) snuggles his nephew...
My child, lover of climbing, with his Uncle Barrett...
And the final pic (my favorite) James with Lori's band behind him... not to mention the *great* sky!!
One last thing -- here's a link to a video of James dancing to Lori... *grin*
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=98de5088aeee476844f0d&skin_id=0&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url
Needless to say, we had a blast. I found myself having those weepy "I-love-mykid-and-family-and-life" moments over and over again. Just a really *good*day. :)
This post is picture heavy, but I wanted to share a few pictures of my chosen family.... all of these were taken yesterday (6/17) at our local Pride event, and later -- at a free outdoor Lori McKenna concert. :)
Taken from the parade....this flag was seriously enormous.
Here's James, J, Uncle Xander and Lucy, hanging at the festival post-paradey goodness...
And here's a close up of the fabulous Miss Lucy, resplendent in her summer dress and in love with her feet...
Ok, not sure what's happening with James' outfit here, but he's pictured with his Tante/Godmother Holly...
We were a pretty big kid contingent for Pride... here we all are picnicing...
Our newest friend Mattea, a-freaking-dorable in her Pride bling and yogurt face...
All of this left Jamesy a very tired boy...
And the nap was important 'cause we only stopped at home briefly to check on the pup and then headed straight to Freeport for the free Lori show (fabulous!)...
Here Uncle Stephen (James' Godfather and our housemate) snuggles his nephew...
My child, lover of climbing, with his Uncle Barrett...
And the final pic (my favorite) James with Lori's band behind him... not to mention the *great* sky!!
One last thing -- here's a link to a video of James dancing to Lori... *grin*
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=98de5088aeee476844f0d&skin_id=0&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url
Needless to say, we had a blast. I found myself having those weepy "I-love-mykid-and-family-and-life" moments over and over again. Just a really *good*day. :)
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Nana...
My nana turns 77 a week from Friday. She sent me a postcard last week to ask if I'd make up her favorite olives -- big green ones with garlic cream cheese stuffed in the hole -- but upon talking with her yesterday she recanted...
The chemo's making her too sick to eat much of anything. :(
* * *
Nana was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer in February -- the day after James' first birthday, actually. She's been on an agressive chemo treatment since March: three days on, 11 off until at least Christmas. We've been told that with chemo she stands an excellent chance of beating cancer... but the chemo itself has obviously been a horrible process.
We visited Nana yesterday for the first time in three weeks. JJames had been vaxxed in mid May and the Dr. recommended staying away from anyone whose immune system had been compromised till the vaccines worked their way through. Anyway, it's only been three weeks, but Nana looks so much older now. :(
At one point she sent me upstairs to get a shopping bag of donated children's books she'd been gathering for James and it hit me pretty hard that I had become something more akin to a visitor lately -- I stay in the public spaces of my Nana's home when I visit, and rarely ever make it upstairs to the bedrooms, office or old art room.
It hurt my heart a bit -- to realize time is marching forward and there's nothing I can do about it. I touched the new wallpaper in what used to be my Grammy's room -- the old light blue flocked wallpaper has been replaced by something more contempory-country-casual. I picked up a picture of my nana at 55 or 60... when she was still sporting a red tint to her white hair. I creaked down the hall to peek into my Papa's office... still familiar with the built in double beds and the pine beadboard panneling. I used to invite friends to sleep overs on those two twin beds.
*sigh*
I just love that house, I love its occupants... and I just really don't want to be a visitor any more.
The chemo's making her too sick to eat much of anything. :(
* * *
Nana was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer in February -- the day after James' first birthday, actually. She's been on an agressive chemo treatment since March: three days on, 11 off until at least Christmas. We've been told that with chemo she stands an excellent chance of beating cancer... but the chemo itself has obviously been a horrible process.
We visited Nana yesterday for the first time in three weeks. JJames had been vaxxed in mid May and the Dr. recommended staying away from anyone whose immune system had been compromised till the vaccines worked their way through. Anyway, it's only been three weeks, but Nana looks so much older now. :(
At one point she sent me upstairs to get a shopping bag of donated children's books she'd been gathering for James and it hit me pretty hard that I had become something more akin to a visitor lately -- I stay in the public spaces of my Nana's home when I visit, and rarely ever make it upstairs to the bedrooms, office or old art room.
It hurt my heart a bit -- to realize time is marching forward and there's nothing I can do about it. I touched the new wallpaper in what used to be my Grammy's room -- the old light blue flocked wallpaper has been replaced by something more contempory-country-casual. I picked up a picture of my nana at 55 or 60... when she was still sporting a red tint to her white hair. I creaked down the hall to peek into my Papa's office... still familiar with the built in double beds and the pine beadboard panneling. I used to invite friends to sleep overs on those two twin beds.
*sigh*
I just love that house, I love its occupants... and I just really don't want to be a visitor any more.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
7 things
7 Things, James edition:
1. Talking! "yeah" (his favorite word, and default... WAY better than the typical toddler default of 'no'.) "here" "kitty" (which he says as though he's a South Park character -- kih-TAY) "dog" and "duck". We think he's also saying "three" (when we count... us: one, two.. James: 'tree'!). He also howls like a wolf when we're reading animal sounds books to him. Priceless.
2. Mamaing! We don't differentiate: both of us are "mumma" to James. It's funny, if I say "where's Mumma?" to James he'll always look for J, and when J does the same, he looks for me. Apparently "Mumma" is whoever he isn't currently talking or interacting with.
3. Dancing! Oh he loves to dance. For real. He hates TV but will stop and clap for singers or dancers on the crappy reality TV shows we should be restricting. (Bad parents...) He just loves music... I'm so thrilled.
4. Not eating! My fabulous eater has disappeared, leaving a picky toddler in his wake. :( Once favorites never see the inside of his mouth. We've resorted to a number of tricks to get veggies and fruits in. Best trick ever: veggie booty (Bwahahahahaaaa.... you THINK you're getting a treat, but NO: they're covered in kale! and spinach! take THAT!)
5. Not napping! We're in that awkward transitional stage between one and two naps. This means that James' favorite schedule right now is napping one LOOONG nap from 11ish to 2ish. : Anything earlier and he skips his afternoon nap and then is a beast from 6 on, anything later and we miss our nice child window and he's so overtired that the nap becomes a huge fight. Blah.
6. Reading! OMG, do we read. He loves simple books now, and we're totally in the "read this specific book four hundred times" stage. He really likes books he can interact with -- the "Not My" series, books where you can count little plastic frogs or ladybugs or stars, lift the flap books.
Not exactly fine lit yet, but as long as we're reading I'm happy.
7. Matching! We have a few books where there a mouse or a ladybug on each page and sometimes we'll skip the 'plot' of the book and just point out the reoccuring animal on each page. He finds this hysterical.
1. Talking! "yeah" (his favorite word, and default... WAY better than the typical toddler default of 'no'.) "here" "kitty" (which he says as though he's a South Park character -- kih-TAY) "dog" and "duck". We think he's also saying "three" (when we count... us: one, two.. James: 'tree'!). He also howls like a wolf when we're reading animal sounds books to him. Priceless.
2. Mamaing! We don't differentiate: both of us are "mumma" to James. It's funny, if I say "where's Mumma?" to James he'll always look for J, and when J does the same, he looks for me. Apparently "Mumma" is whoever he isn't currently talking or interacting with.
3. Dancing! Oh he loves to dance. For real. He hates TV but will stop and clap for singers or dancers on the crappy reality TV shows we should be restricting. (Bad parents...) He just loves music... I'm so thrilled.
4. Not eating! My fabulous eater has disappeared, leaving a picky toddler in his wake. :( Once favorites never see the inside of his mouth. We've resorted to a number of tricks to get veggies and fruits in. Best trick ever: veggie booty (Bwahahahahaaaa.... you THINK you're getting a treat, but NO: they're covered in kale! and spinach! take THAT!)
5. Not napping! We're in that awkward transitional stage between one and two naps. This means that James' favorite schedule right now is napping one LOOONG nap from 11ish to 2ish. : Anything earlier and he skips his afternoon nap and then is a beast from 6 on, anything later and we miss our nice child window and he's so overtired that the nap becomes a huge fight. Blah.
6. Reading! OMG, do we read. He loves simple books now, and we're totally in the "read this specific book four hundred times" stage. He really likes books he can interact with -- the "Not My" series, books where you can count little plastic frogs or ladybugs or stars, lift the flap books.
Not exactly fine lit yet, but as long as we're reading I'm happy.
7. Matching! We have a few books where there a mouse or a ladybug on each page and sometimes we'll skip the 'plot' of the book and just point out the reoccuring animal on each page. He finds this hysterical.
Monday, June 05, 2006
i'm the gay. so fucking what.
All the talk about Bush pushing a federal ban on same-sex marriage is making me violent. Yeah, yeah.. I know: it's not going to pass, there aren't enough votes in the Senate to create a 2/3rds majority, Bush is only bringing this up to rally the base and pander to the uber-right in time for elections... yada yada. I get it.
It doesn't make being used a a wedge issue -- as a pawn in the political machine -- any less painful. It doesn't make me any less sad. Any less disappointed in humanity. Any less angry.
Why can't my son have two legal mothers? How is that hurting the institution of marriage? How does me legally marrying my spouse affect any other partnership or marraige -- gay or straight?
If you're straight -- think about your partner dieing, leaving you with a small child you have no legal right to. You now have to go through a homestudy and adoption process, just to continue to care for the child you've been parenting from birth. Think about having no legal access to survivor benefits. Think about facing the very real possibility that your right to make burial arrangements for your spouse could be challenged by an unaccepting family member. That you may have been denied the ability to see your partner in the hospital while he or she was dieing.
Think about reading headline after headline stating "Adoption laws for opposite sex couples being challenged" or that your government has an unhealthy fixation on whether or not you should be allowed to be married to your spouse. Think about being preached against at your place or worship. Think about being held to a higher standard as a parent, and as a person. Think about being "other". Think about worrying how out you should be at your job, with the new neighbors, or in your child's school. Think about hearing "That's so straight" -- where straight means "stupid" -- regularly in your workplace or in your circle of friends. Think about people boiling down your complex, loving relationship to your spouse to only a sexual relationship. Think about being told you're "flaunting your sexuality" by holding your spouse's hand or kissing him or her goodbye.
Think about knowing that a LOT of people in the world, without knowing a damn thing about you or your life and love, fear you. Think about a world where people can form a 'church' where members are so disconnected from reality that they will picket the funeral of a victim of a hate crime, that they'll carry signs saying "Thank God for AIDS" or "Die Faggot".
Think about having to carry that, day in and day out, without letting it color the way to stay open to new people, without it coloring how you go about living and loving and fighting for your place in the world.
I bet you'd be fucking angry too.
It doesn't make being used a a wedge issue -- as a pawn in the political machine -- any less painful. It doesn't make me any less sad. Any less disappointed in humanity. Any less angry.
Why can't my son have two legal mothers? How is that hurting the institution of marriage? How does me legally marrying my spouse affect any other partnership or marraige -- gay or straight?
If you're straight -- think about your partner dieing, leaving you with a small child you have no legal right to. You now have to go through a homestudy and adoption process, just to continue to care for the child you've been parenting from birth. Think about having no legal access to survivor benefits. Think about facing the very real possibility that your right to make burial arrangements for your spouse could be challenged by an unaccepting family member. That you may have been denied the ability to see your partner in the hospital while he or she was dieing.
Think about reading headline after headline stating "Adoption laws for opposite sex couples being challenged" or that your government has an unhealthy fixation on whether or not you should be allowed to be married to your spouse. Think about being preached against at your place or worship. Think about being held to a higher standard as a parent, and as a person. Think about being "other". Think about worrying how out you should be at your job, with the new neighbors, or in your child's school. Think about hearing "That's so straight" -- where straight means "stupid" -- regularly in your workplace or in your circle of friends. Think about people boiling down your complex, loving relationship to your spouse to only a sexual relationship. Think about being told you're "flaunting your sexuality" by holding your spouse's hand or kissing him or her goodbye.
Think about knowing that a LOT of people in the world, without knowing a damn thing about you or your life and love, fear you. Think about a world where people can form a 'church' where members are so disconnected from reality that they will picket the funeral of a victim of a hate crime, that they'll carry signs saying "Thank God for AIDS" or "Die Faggot".
Think about having to carry that, day in and day out, without letting it color the way to stay open to new people, without it coloring how you go about living and loving and fighting for your place in the world.
I bet you'd be fucking angry too.
Friday, June 02, 2006
the worst blogger ever....
It's true! I don't know why I try to keep a journal... I'm horrible about actually updating it nce the newness wears off. Since it's been a while, here's an update of where I'm at in list form.
1. James: He's so damn *edible* lately! It's crazy.. J and I frequently just look at eachother grinning and exclaim like crazy people about how much we just LOVE our kid and isn't he the FUNNIEST and CUTEST child just ever?!?!? What has happened to me?
Seriously though... if he's anything, he's *funny*. And since a sense of humor is about my favorite attribute in a person, I'm just thrilled. Oh and HE thinks he's funny too. He's just learned how to laugh that proactive laugh that toddlers give -- the OMG Look how funny I'm being?? See how I'm pretending this is a phone? Whew! Ha Ha! laugh, complete with occasional snorts and the 15 month old equivalent of knee slapping. It's hysterical.
He also rocks out to music now -- head bobbing, butt wiggling, legs kicking, tongue sticking out or lips pursed in a Dixie Chick or Springsteen induced fit of musical happiness. I just die.
2. Class: It's probably how often I hang out online with folks that have more than we do, but lately I've been throwing myself a huge pity party that we had to make a number of huge financial sacrifices that other's didn't when looking at adoption. I am happy with my choices: I choose to live in southern Maine, where we're pretty much priced out of the housing market now that we've sold our house because this is my HOME and my family -- given and chosen -- live here. We chose to build our family through adoption -- and I firmly believe that was the best decision I've ever made... I just wish I didn't have to make so many compromises financially in order to adopt and then to afford to only work part-time.
3. Weight: This is so not adoption related, but I've also been pretty self reflective lately about my weight and my relationship to food. I haven't seen a 1 as the first digit in my weight since early high school probably, and I really need to look at how I eat and how I take care of myself. I'm weighing (ha!) my options...
4. S: I don't mean to add this as an afterthought... as it really deserves it's own post.. but on Mother's Day, J, James and I visited with James' birthmom S. for the first time since she flew home after papers were signed. I just don't think I can do my feelings or the experience justice in words. Suffice to say: it was a wonderful, emotional visit and I'm hoping that it may be the beginning of our adoption opening a bit. She looked wonderful --it was great seeing her non-pregnant :) and it was great to be able to see that James' eyes are mirror images of hers, and that his jaw is probably going to slim down post-baby chub to look a lot likeS.'s and his bio sibling's. Anyway, it was an important day, and I'm thrilled we were able to see her.
5. Leaving: My closest friend left this afternoon for a four or so month trip to Denver to live with her boyfriend for the summer and early fall. The plan, for now, is that she'll move back her (with the boy) in October after having saved up a bit of money and experiencing another part of the country. Oh, I hope she comes back. She's James' godmother, the keeper of my secrets, just that best twin-like girlfriend every woman wishes for. I spent all week getting old school and making her a mix CD for her plane ride out... each song picked after agonizing about lyrical significance and importance to her/us. Sigh. Her daily presence in my/our life will be missed *greatly*.
I leave you with a few pics of the babester after his first beach trip of the summer '06 season. :)
1. James: He's so damn *edible* lately! It's crazy.. J and I frequently just look at eachother grinning and exclaim like crazy people about how much we just LOVE our kid and isn't he the FUNNIEST and CUTEST child just ever?!?!? What has happened to me?
Seriously though... if he's anything, he's *funny*. And since a sense of humor is about my favorite attribute in a person, I'm just thrilled. Oh and HE thinks he's funny too. He's just learned how to laugh that proactive laugh that toddlers give -- the OMG Look how funny I'm being?? See how I'm pretending this is a phone? Whew! Ha Ha! laugh, complete with occasional snorts and the 15 month old equivalent of knee slapping. It's hysterical.
He also rocks out to music now -- head bobbing, butt wiggling, legs kicking, tongue sticking out or lips pursed in a Dixie Chick or Springsteen induced fit of musical happiness. I just die.
2. Class: It's probably how often I hang out online with folks that have more than we do, but lately I've been throwing myself a huge pity party that we had to make a number of huge financial sacrifices that other's didn't when looking at adoption. I am happy with my choices: I choose to live in southern Maine, where we're pretty much priced out of the housing market now that we've sold our house because this is my HOME and my family -- given and chosen -- live here. We chose to build our family through adoption -- and I firmly believe that was the best decision I've ever made... I just wish I didn't have to make so many compromises financially in order to adopt and then to afford to only work part-time.
3. Weight: This is so not adoption related, but I've also been pretty self reflective lately about my weight and my relationship to food. I haven't seen a 1 as the first digit in my weight since early high school probably, and I really need to look at how I eat and how I take care of myself. I'm weighing (ha!) my options...
4. S: I don't mean to add this as an afterthought... as it really deserves it's own post.. but on Mother's Day, J, James and I visited with James' birthmom S. for the first time since she flew home after papers were signed. I just don't think I can do my feelings or the experience justice in words. Suffice to say: it was a wonderful, emotional visit and I'm hoping that it may be the beginning of our adoption opening a bit. She looked wonderful --it was great seeing her non-pregnant :) and it was great to be able to see that James' eyes are mirror images of hers, and that his jaw is probably going to slim down post-baby chub to look a lot likeS.'s and his bio sibling's. Anyway, it was an important day, and I'm thrilled we were able to see her.
5. Leaving: My closest friend left this afternoon for a four or so month trip to Denver to live with her boyfriend for the summer and early fall. The plan, for now, is that she'll move back her (with the boy) in October after having saved up a bit of money and experiencing another part of the country. Oh, I hope she comes back. She's James' godmother, the keeper of my secrets, just that best twin-like girlfriend every woman wishes for. I spent all week getting old school and making her a mix CD for her plane ride out... each song picked after agonizing about lyrical significance and importance to her/us. Sigh. Her daily presence in my/our life will be missed *greatly*.
I leave you with a few pics of the babester after his first beach trip of the summer '06 season. :)
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