going insane.

Homestudy: completely done and on its way to Gigantic City.
ICPC: will start next week -- shouldn't be more than ten business days.
Cardiologist appt: Scheduled for next Monday.
Bfamily meeting: SW at agency is trying to "stop by" tonight and try to catch them home. If so, she'll be presenting us.
Agency contact: will call us tonight to let us know if it happened, and if it did, how it went.

'Nervous' doesn't do justice to how I'm feeling tonight.

2 month Dr.'s appt....

So baby girl went in for her 2 month check up today, and the short version is there was nothing discovered that would sway us from adopting her if we get that chance!! (waiting on pins and needles for birthfamily's ok this weekend, which is the last piece before it's 100% official....)
Here's the long version for those interested....

Apparently her pediatrician heard a heart murmur, so she'll be seeing the cardiologist to ensure that it's no big deal... likely it'll be fine, but even if it's the worst case scenario and she needs surgery to close a hole we're still blissfully moving forward. Otherwise, she's developing perfectly..

She's 9 lbs 4 oz, and 21 inches long... and the doc was thrilled with her weight gain and development (born at 5 lbs 13 oz). She's smiling and cooing and wasn't fussy during the visit at all, except when she had her shots. :( But she recovered quickly and had a bottle and according to our agency worker, she's even more adorable now than in the month old pics they sent us... She has some big filled out cheeks now. Swoon.

They're going to call us tomorrow with the date of the cardiologist appt (should be this or next week) and the time the bfamily caseworker will be presenting us to the bfamily this weekend. They'll call us this weekend right after the appt to give us the scoop so we won't have to agonize until Monday.

But if it falls through, I'm totally going to have to check myself in somewhere, so you all better promise to visit me. I've tossed aside "not getting emotionally invested" so fast my head is spinning....

So I spoke with our agency contact today... and things are still moving forward with TMB's adoption (whew!). It really was starting to feel like a dream.

We sent in our homestudy addendum and financial statement, our agency contact spoke with our homestudy worker today, and the agency has given us their official approval as the family for TMB. The only thing left (besides paperwork and ICPC) is for TMB's bfamily to give their approval of us, which we've been assured is likely to happen. That happens Saturday.

Our homestudy updates are basically written, we're just waiting on one set of clearances to make thier way to the office and it'll be done. We're hoping it'll be in our agency's possession by mid next week at the latest, and should work it's way through ICPC within two weeks -- maybe earlier. That'd have us picking up TMB in 3 - 3 1/2 weeks, if not sooner. Yay!

We'll probably leave James here with my mom/dad overnight (first time... sniffle). We're flying, because the idea of navigating Gigantic City and driving 8+ hours home with a two/three month old I've just met makes my head bleed.

Wednesday TMB has her two month checkup and we/our ped. will get her medical records. So, basically we wait for the medical update and to hear that our clearances are in, and then to hear on Saturday that her bfamily has given their ok for us adopting her. As soon as we get their ok, I'll post her 1 month pic on here... I can't wait!!

We've been scrambling to pull together everything, but we're also having a lot of fun shopping and squealing over her cuteness with friends and family. J put together a new dresser/changing table for bitty girl clothes, and I bought out the 0/3 and 3/6 sections at the local resale shops... and scored a LOT of cute outfits. Oh... and we bought a pack of bubblegum pink wall dots, so James and TMB's room has lime green, sky blue and bubblegum pink dots on the walls now.. it looks awesome.

Emotionally, I vacillate between completely numb and terrified. Excitement creeps in, but only in snatches. ..I know I'll feel SO much better once I hear that TMB's birthfamily has given their official approval.. it's the last piece before we can really call her ours, and despite the agency's assurances that they're really just looking for a 'good' family (and have no other requirements), I'm still terrified of things falling through.

That's the update for now.... thanks for following along.

I don't even know where to begin...!

I got the call from our agency around 2:00 pm yesterday ... at first, our contact's tone of voice made me think she was trying to let me down easy.. but then I heard the magic words "the other family decided to pass" and then I couldn't hear anything for at least 10 seconds because my ears were roaring. It was quite the afternoon -- friends (including the fab Cheese and Whine) witnessed the call, and my shocked expression, and my maniacal jumping, and were able to keep me sane while I got a cramp in my finger from all the refreshing I was doing while waiting to see emailed photos.

Anyway, as things stand now, we're the only family being considered. !! Baby girl goes in for her two month appt next Wednesday, and we're officially waiting to commit until we hear from the doctor and get her medical records, but they've been very forthcoming and we don't expect to hear anything that will sway us away from moving forward. So, it's looking REALLY good that she'll be our daughter!

Ok, now the good part: Maybe-baby was born on Dec. 28th, had apgars of 8 and 9, and weighed 5 lbs 13 oz. (peanut!). She's in private foster care, and her FM says she is very smiley and has just begun vocalizing.

They sent me about ten pictures... oh God... she is SOOOOOO cute! SO CUTE! Pouty lips, good amount of black straight hair, chubby cheeks... her complexion is similar to James', maybe a smidge darker. She's GORGEOUS. I wish I could share them, but until this is a done deal I don't feel comfortable posting them publicly.

I'm not sure when we'll be able to pick her up... I'm thinking not for a few weeks... we've got to finish our homestudy updates, do ICPC, blahde blah... I'm really not sure exactly when she'll be home.

I know I sound calm... but I'm close to certifiable at this point... . I'm NOT complaining, but WHOA this happened fast and my emotions haven't caught up beyond insanely excited, incredulous, and completely overwhelmed. I mean, who calls to ask if their agency got their profile and is presented with a baby born, birthmom TPRed but hopefully still open adoption situation the same/next day? Huh? Huh? I need to go find some wood to knock on.

That's it for now... there's lots still unsaid, so tune in. :)

James has an important message for the blogosphere...

james' message...

More, much more, to come soon.....

update: goodbye sanity.

Ok. Trying to breathe. Failing.

I spoke with our agency contact this afternoon, who shared info on a child they're hoping to place.

A little girl, born at the end of December (so almost 8 wks old). The risk factors she may face are ones we feel capable of parenting. She's got great apgars, and is developing appropriately. She's in private foster care. Birthmom voluntarily TPRed last month and the time for revocation is already over. BF issues not applicable. Fees are completely reasonable.

Only catch -- there is a family considering adopting her who is in line before us. If they decide to move forward (and according to the agency contact it could go either way) she's theirs. If they decide not to move forward, she's ours. We'll know their decision as early as tomorrow -- as late as Friday.

I am FREAKING out.

I'm not sure what to wish for here -- obviously we want to parent her (ok, that's an understatement) but we also don't want to wish that the family considering adopting her decides NOT to move forward. Intellectually I know the child supposed to be ours will find us, but I'm having a hard time being zen about this.

How the hell am I supposed to do anything other than obsess over this for the next few days? OMG, it's SO hard knowing that there's a little girl in the world that could become our daughter and it all hinges on a family making a phone call saying "We're not the family for her".

I think I'm going to puke.

Happy Birthday, SBJ

My big two year old boy!! (shirt idea totally stolen from Mayhem's son's 2nd birthday)

















James devouring his cake...

















We bowed to his obsession with trains and had a train themed party. I was insanely proud of myself for assembling/frosting this cake... I hate baking but enjoy this one project each year.

...The only thing that would have made his birthday more perfect would have been hearing from S. That thick, fat pride and love you have for your child... I wish she and I could share in that together.. plus, selfishly, I miss her and I know with the passing of James' birthday... she's likely hurting with very few people to reach out to. I think of her every day.

James is starting to grasp concepts so fast, I cant keep up with all the milestones he's hitting. His latest fascination is letters -- he knows about half the letters of the alphabet by sight consistently, though he will confuse them if they look similar sometimes... D and P, etc. All this is self-led too, which rocks. He's still slightly speech delayed... but finally talking in two and three word sentences... his vocabulary and ennunciation skills still need some work, but it's been a really encouraging few months speech-wise.

He's definitely heading into the toddler push and pull of wanting control yet wanting to be babied-- we have huge battles getting him into a grocery cart, for example, but overall he's still the same funny, affectionate, genuinely kind little guy.. just a slightly bigger, grocery-cart hating version.

At two, James loves: trains, Elmo, babies, dancing to Beyonce, making pancakes or cookies with J, making huge block towers and then maniacally knocking them down, offering hugs to avoid dreaded diaper changes, long toy-filled baths, his family to include honorary aunties and uncles, playing with playdoh, saying "WOW MAMA" all day long, and 'helping' us do everything from fold clothes to vaccum (he'll even lift up the fabric floor panel on our couch to vaccuum under it with his toy vaccuum) to feeding the pets.

J and I remain desperately in love.

<3 <3 to my big boy.

my non-baby and my maybe-baby

James is two. :) Much longer post tomorrow on his new two-ness, complete with a few pics from his birthday party.... he's too big (and already answering "Three!" when people ask him how old he is..)

Anyway.

Ever get one of those feelings that something is happening? That's where I'm at right now... my skin is in constant goosebumps and my subconcious keeps focusing in on a baby making his/her way to us soon. It's all I dream of... an endless loop of squishy brown faces with big eyes and pouty mouths.

Tomorrow is our first homestudy update appt with the worker who wrote up our homestudy for James' adoption. Saturday we sent our profile to the agency we're working with... they should receive it tomorrow or Wednesday. I've spoken with the program contact person G. and she was very encouraging of our chances of adopting this way -- which would be so amazing because the fees are ridiculously low and very much in our miniscule budget. The agency is well known for being ethical and counseling expectant parents on their choices -- over 65% of eparents considering adoption choose to parent, which is a well-supported choice there. They also place a strong emphasis on open adoption... which we're thrilled about.

Anyway... I spoke with G. and she mentioned they're working with a few women due soon who may be a good mutual 'fit'. She asked us to really work on getting our homestudy updates done soon. I can't shake the feeling that our maybe-baby is on her/his way to us...

Then today I hit up the Goodwill children's section and landed about ten to twelve A-flippin-doable baby girl outfits... obviously all from the same well-off momma of fabulous taste, and all looking brand new. Each was $2. Whee! I couldn't help myself. Maybe it's a sign??

I'll update more tomorrow.... must go wake the wife and relinquish the laptop so J can do work...

xoxo

schizophrenic much?

It's been SO long since I last wrote, and honestly 99% of the reason is that I've waffled so much on the whole family building thing that I just couldn't stomach writing yet another "we're going to do this... no this... or maybe this" post. So, true to my nature, I've just avoided blogger altogether instead of posting other stuff and leaving just that one topic alone.

But we're feeling more secure in what our next steps are going to be, and I really want to start blogging deeper than the day-to-dayness (or, lately, month-to-monthness) of my life. So, hi!

In the past month:

James has become James 2.0, the talking edition. He's learning buckets of new words every day.. "hug" and "i love you too" (I 'ov you tooooo! he says meaningfully after every "i love you" from us) are two of my current favorites. He's actually in the range of "normal" (ugh) now for speech for an almost two year old according to all the dev. guidelines.

Speaking of ALMOST TWO... wha? How did this happen? In a scant 3 weeks my son will be two. Every morning I read back in my Jan. '05 journal to see what adoption happenings were occuring. It's very moving to be reliving the last few pre-birth weeks with James' birthmom and her other child. I sent out an email this morning with hopes of being in touch with S. soon -- we haven't heard from her since May and miss her presence. We'll see... fingers crossed.

J and I actually *have* made progress on the baby-making front. We half-heartedly tracked her temps for a cycle and attended a preliminary appt with a OBGYN practice, but had all but concluded that we were mostly trying to force ourselves into a process we weren't thrilled about for financial reasons. We've ruled out a pregnancy for this baby... though I reserve the right to decide to morosely muddle through TTC if it's taken years with no success to have a baby join our family through the methods we prefer and that we're going to try. lol

So, what ARE we doing? We're pursuing straight adoption of an infant through one agency's 'special needs' program (we're open to certain risk factors in the birthfamily, to certain conditions or developmental risks, and to substance addiction or exposure) and starting foster care classes with hopes of eventually being able to adopt a foster child in our care (once the case plan changes from reunification to adoption). I've been worried about the emotional toll reunification would take on me/us/our family after bonding with a child for many months or years, but the more I research the more I feel being a foster parent and supporting RU attempts would 'fit' into our beliefs about adoption. I do believe in helping families stay together when possible, and if a child's case plan went from RU to adoption, we could offer some level of openness to the child's birthfamily too (obviously depending on why the child entered care.. but hey, I'm naive and untainted so far.... so I'm thinking best case scenario here until that changes.)

So. Luckily J and I are on the exact same page concerning the profile of a child we feel we can successfully parent. We've been careful not to extend out of our abilities/strengths due to desperation for a baby/any baby.

Our homestudy is on file with the straight adoption agency (which my all accounts is expectant parent / birthparent focused, ethical and queer friendly) and are turning in our foster care application tomorrow. Classes start on February first. We're settling in for what may be a long wait... but at least we're being financially solvent, and proactive in adding another child to our family. So that feels good.

And as for the rest of last month? Here it is in little exhuberant non-edible bites:

Christmas! Oh so many trains! James talking! Paperwork! Existential conversations about privilege and race! Snow (finally)! James' discovery of said snow! Shannon visiting! Lots of meals out with good friends! Puking on New Years Eve! Babies being born! My mom doesn't have uterine cancer!! Lots of bad reality TV! And lots of other stuff. :)

xo

a girl can change her mind... right?

Ok, that sounds sexist/stereotypical, but really, it fits in this situation: I've changed my mind yet again and J and I are starting to chart her temps. We're going to explore what babymakin' would entail and look into J's fertility before ruling it out.

While adoption interests me more in almost all ways, we can't get past costs. And I want another child sometime before James is 67. :| So, we have an appointment with Dr. Good Track Record, our mama friends' IUI and fertility guru for the beginning of January, and I woke up J this morning to take her temp for the first time. lol. (97.24!) Then, later, as it's CD14, J did an OPK and it was positive.

Fun.

It's still overwhelming, and I still worry about all that could go wrong. But I'm a tiny bit excited too.

We'll see, eh?

irritated. aka: the biggest whinefest EVER.

The last few weeks have been a huge ball of clusterfuckedness. In between short periods of feeling happy or at least content, I've been alternately irritated, sad, angry, impatient, lonely, frustrated, manic and depressed.

Why?

Here goes.

1. Babymaking. I'm just not feeling it. Charting, researching donors, even talking about it -- I'm really, really, not drawn to the intricacies of TTC and pregnancy. I think the years of talking to mostly infertile people about TTC has definitely colored how I feel about trying to make a baby. I'm pessimistic at best, and a big 'ol Debbie Downer at worst. Plus honestly, I want to adopt baby number two. I just do. I want to connect with a birthfamily. I want to research lawyers and agencies, not donors and sperm banks. How we'll afford it still ridiculously unclear, but I think J and I are going to wait and save for an adoption, or look for lower-cost adoption alternatives, rather than make a baby. I may go insane during the wait, but oh well. Neither of us are really into TTC the way we need to be to chart effectively, despite the potential financial savings (and who the hell knows there, right?).

2. Famdamily. J and I just got back from visiting her parents and are in our usual two week recovery period. Going home brings up six bazillion feelings of guilt and sadness for J. She'll wall them up for the visit, and then turn into this evilly cranky alter ego for a week to two weeks after we get back. I should know not to needle her during this time*, but end up doing so anyhow. It's never pretty.

3. Shitty internet drama. Unbloggable, but still in the mix, so felt I should at least mention it. Bah.

4. Friends. I've been shitty at returning calls (Hi J/S! Love you!) and missing some really important friends. Also, there seems to be universal law that as soon as I get super crazy close to a girlfriend they must move far out of state posthaste. I've therefore not really been processing any of the above in a meaningful way, beyond therapy (and my wonderful therapist just lost her pregnancy decently far along, so I'm sure my stories of boo hoo not wanting to get pregnant/ why can't I adopt are just *thrilling* to listen to). Therapists only take you so far. I want a real live flesh and blood girlfriend to A: do things with and B: eventually feel close enough to talk to about our lives on a regularish basis. Bonus points for having/understanding food/weight issues and being willing to hear me flesh out family making strategies. Double bonus points for being Shannon. :(

5. Appointments/time sucks: Apparently every possible appointment I've been waiting on for months had to be scheduled during our vacation for RIGHT after we got back. James' speech therapy, Dr's appointments, work crap, blah blah. Plus our vacation was Tues - Tues due to cheap-ass airline tickets, so J had a ton of work related stuff to do when we got back that was barely impossible to fit into Wednesday and Thursday for her court on Friday. Oh, and our car lost heat and then temporarily died (all is well now, though). Last week SUCKED.

6. Food: Yeah. I've been eating HORRIBLY. Cupcake for breakfast? Sure! Eating fast food twice last week? Why not?! Vegetables? I'm sorry -- what? Anyway. I need to reconnect to healthy eating and exercise again. And soon.


........

Honestly, it hasn't been all bad. James has been a particular bright spot. J and I haven't killed eachother and have been making eachother laugh a lot lately, so I know things are ok at a macro level. Look for a much MUCH happier post on James (He talks! He grows!) next.



* Needling examples include: "Ha ha! You're going to have to track your cervical mucus!" and "Can we make a time to talk about the earliest possible date you're willing to have another baby living here?"

do the something i can do......

I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do the something I can do.

I'd like to take a minute to shamelessly promote my friend Mindy's organization: the Kirabo Foundation, a 501-c3 (ie: fully tax deductible) non-profit who's mission is to provide a full education to as many Ugandan children as possible.

Kirabo currently sponsors 33 students in primary, secondary, and post-secondary schools throughout Uganda. All Kirabo students have lost at least one parent to HIV/AIDS, many have lost both. Uganda currently has no free public educational system.

I've known Mindy, Kirabo's director, for almost two years. She adopted her son shortly after we adopted James. She, and the other Kirabo staff volunteer their time so all funds raised can go to support the youth of Uganda.

The need is great, but even a relatively small amount of money goes a long way toward helping a child receive an otherwise unavailable education. Kirabo accepts donations at any level, however it's possible to fully sponsor a child in primary school's education for around $225 a year. A student in post-secondary school's education is approximately $1000 a year.

Beyond funding, Kirabo also appreciates volunteers willing to write monthly with a student... functioning as a loving adult/mentor, as many of these young people don't have someone able to cheer them on and encourage them with their studies. I've been matched with a 17 year old young woman who Mindy described as 'clever' and 'spirited'... and I can't wait to get to know her. :)

Perhaps your community group or church would be willing to fundraise? Perhaps you could give donations in someone's name in place of a holiday gift? Perhaps you could use a tax deduction on next year's taxes or could put aside some money should you receive a refund next spring? A relatively small amount of money can make a huge difference to these young people and their surviving families.

If you, or someone you know may be interested in sponsoring or writing to a student, or interested in donating an amount of any kind, you can contact Mindy at the following email address: kirabofoundation@hotmail.com.

the post of the century.

Well, internets, I'm sure by now you've realized I'm a terrible blogger. Ironically, I was much better pre-kid, and now that I actually have something worth writing about -- at least for posterity's sake -- I never actually put fingers to keyboard.

So things you may have missed lately include my entrance into some good (albeit annoying) therapy for food related stuff, my ongoing preoccupation as to why James isn't talking at the level of his peers, recaps of about six thousand renditions of me singing The Wheels on the Bus, James' obsessions with trains ("CtooCtoo!") and Elmo ("Momo!"), my new occupation with a gorgeous 3 month old girl listed on a 'waiting children' list at a respectable agency... coupled with J and I's "discussion" (read: I sob, J says WTF? No.) about submitting paperwork to adopt her later this month, and well, our decision to have J get pregnant for baby number two.

Add in crazy holiday rushing (we leave soonish for Xmas with the inlaws about 1300 miles away) and I'm practically certifiable.

So right -- gettin' pregnant. Where to begin?

I wish there were some amazing moment where things crystallized and J and I realized that we were meant to birth a second child.... but there just isn't. It's a numbers game, honestly, and we just don't see how we can adopt our second child without either a: waiting at least three years to start after saving up the amount a private adoption is likely to be (and that's estimating low -- with no failed adoption along the way or long match or many firstparent expenses) or b: extending significantly outside of our comfort zone as far as serious special needs go to adopt a waiting special needs child with low adoption expenses. I've thought about adopting through the state, but our state doesn't have a foster to adopt program and at this point in our family building journey -- we're not willing to foster a child at risk for reunification attempts with their birthfamily. Maybe later, but not for kiddo number two.

I recognize that reading the above could be painful for those who've struggled or are struggling with infertility. I realize that many would LOVE to just 'start trying', assume they are fertile, or have the potential option of a pregnancy available to them. I realize we're still at risk for having a child with special needs, and I also realize that there is no guarantee that we'll even get pregnant, nevermind stay pregnant and deliver a baby. We may well end up paying more to TTC than if we had saved and adopted later. There are no absolutes... but I'm ready to start moving forward for number two, and can deal with slowly moving toward that goal through TTC much better than putting everything on hold for a few years in order to adopt.

There are some other, non-bloggable queer momma legalities that add into the mix too.

And honestly, I'm pretty sad that we won't be on the adoption path... and while TTC will be exciting in it's own right, adoption is my default and I'll built a lot of ties to the adoption community and "get" the pros/cons/ethics of adoption as a family building method. AI with donor sperm is a whole 'effin new ballgame and I'm a bit overwhelmed.

There are few families that chose to transracially adopt first with untested fertility status who THEN decided to TTC for their second child. My favorite adoption board... my second home even... nearly all the moms/moms-to-be there dealt with IF or secondary IF before turning to adoption. I expected to be able to share another adoption journey there -- and now I find myself looking for another queer friend TTC board that will be as open and welcoming and HOME as much as my adoption board.

Wow, this post is so uplifting eh? I guess I have more feelings about this than I've let myself process.

I really AM excited to start learning. I'm ready to parent a second child. There so much more to say about this... I feel I haven't even scratched the surface of all the variables we need to consider, but I guess that's for another post. J's getting James' Xmas pictures taken and I'm supposed to be dutifully wrapping presents to ship to IL tomorrow. I'll leave you with two pictures. The first, babymakin' paraphenalia, or the first picture intentionally taken to be placed in a folder marked for baby number two in my computer:



And the second, a picture of a polaroid taken almost two years ago, and the first intentional picture placed in James' picture folder on our computer: J and I wishing aloud for a baby on Santa's lap in the Marc Jacobs store in Greenwich Village. S., James' birthmom, wrote us two days after Christmas and James' middle name is in honor of the jolly old man himself. :)



(and no, James' middle name is not "Santa".) :P

"If the family were a container, it would be a nest, an enduring nest, loosely woven, expansive, and open. If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable?each segment distinct. If the family were a boat, it would be a canoe that makes no progress unless everyone paddles.... If the family were a building, it would be an old but solid structure that contains human history, and appeals to those who see the carved moldings under all the plaster, the wide plank floors under the linoleum, the possibilities."

-Letty Cottin Pogrebin

The lovely girl above is my 77 year old nana. She's gorgeous, isn't she?

I'm in the process of making her a photo book of her life through mypublisher.com, a process that has given me ample time to play with old negatives... scanning them and then watching in amazement as they blaze to life on the screen thanks to editing software. That's how I found these gems... the photos themselves are long gone, but here is my nana.. tiny and dancing on my screen.

Nana has one more round with chemo before they check to see if her cancer is gone. She's had a horrible time with her treatment, and it's hard to see her hurting and well, old. I've been so taken with the creation of this book.. of seeing Nana as a gorgeous girl, or young bride, or new mom.

H. Lorraine, my Nana

Nana and Papa marry, 58 years ago (!!)

Nana with my mama. My favorite picture....

...Please, if you pray, say a prayer that my Nana's tests proclaim her cancer free and that she enjoys many more healthy years with her family.

<3

yes please.

a post of substance coming soon, but until then i'll leave you with my newest favorite Natalie Dee comic...