i am way linear.

See, I need to post more regular updates, because when I wait forever between posts I have way too much stuff I want to talk about when I finally *do* sit down at the computer and then I can't effectively organize my thoughts.

Which is bad when you're a linear person.

So, kids, it's yet another list.

1. "Just adopt." The internets in all their glory have deconstructed JA better than I'll ever be able to, so here's my tiny addendum and then I'll leave it alone. Witnessing a former boss struggle with IF for over 9 years (three of which I witnessed day-to-heartbreaking-day) gave me more of an education in how to be sensitive to IF issues then I ever would have dreampt possible. The idea of cavalierly throwing out "Why don't you just adopt?" to her as she painfully endured failed cycle after failed cycle was (and is) beyond my comprehension. I truly don't get how anyone could be as thoughtless as to frame adoption as an option this way. Truly.

Do I think adoption is as valid of a family building mechanism as birthing? Duh. Of course. I'm a adoption-as-a-first-choicer. And I appreciate the intent behind *some* people's JA attitude... whe it's meant in the "Wow, I hate to see you in so much pain and I don't know what to say to be helpful... what about adoption? Could that work for you?" way. The intentions then are well meaning, even if the delivery falls short of being remotely helpful.

And I have to admit.... being an adoptive parent, my default for family building is adoption. Adoption brought me James, and I can't imagine parenting any other child. Adoption also brought me into knowing S. and a host of other wonderful people and exposed me to ideas and insight that I never would have had otherwise. And while adoption is complicated sometimes... particularly the more you try to really understand other triad member's experiences... I can't help but want to slip the web address to PACT or something to everyone I know struggling with babymaking. And yes... I do refrain... because I realize that IF journeys and adoption journeys are different... and that adoption isn't (and shouldn't be) a solution to IF.

Still though... when I think of all the amazing people I know in the baby-making world... people who would really *get* the complexities that adoption brings... who would be ethical and respectful Aparents... it's all I can do not to gift them with the gay toaster equivalent of adoption initiation.

2. Terminology... You know what.. I don't care if this pegs me as a PC liberal (dude, cause I AM one) but terminology matters. If S. prefered a term other than 'birthmother' I'd use it. Hands down. Natural mom, first mom, original mom.... plain ol' 'mom' (gasp!) none of these terms in any way diminishes my role as James' momma. James knows who I am. Even when he likes my mother more than me. (oh Nanas of the world... you have it so good.) I think one of the BEST gifts we can give our children as adoptive parents is being secure in our roles and actively working on checking our defensiveness and entitlement.

I've written before about the woman (prospective adoptive Guatemama, well-off, two bio kids) in my adoption classes who absolutely refused to refer to the bio mom of her soon-to-be-daughter as a mother in any form. Her terminology preference: Birthlady. If that doesn't smack of being incredibly threatened, I don't know what does. I feel for her daughter too -- how much pressure she's going to feel to support her mom.. to not "make waves"... to not long for contact or birth history.

I've heard somewhere (I think Dr. Phil? LOL. *Ducking*) that kids shouldn't come into this world with jobs. Kids shouldn't be born (or adopted) into a family to save a marriage, or to help a parent get their shit together, or to solve IF or to bolster a parent who is insecure in their role as mom or dad. Our children will live most of their lives as adults... forming and reforming connections with all sorts of other adults.. and if we want them to be close with us and to value us as their parents, we need to be open and respectful of the other connections (to mentors, teachers, spouses, birthfamilies, friends, etc) they're going to make.

And while we're on terminology.... for the last bloody time: if you're an adoptive parent and you have spoken with a woman who is considering you as the parents to her child... that woman is an expectant mother or 'mother'. She is not a potential anything. She DEFINITELY isn't a birthmother. ....I'm really not saying this to be snarky or nitpicky... and I vividly remember how flipping exciting it was to learn that we may be parents... but squishing down the entitlement factor in a pre-birth match is IMO completely necessary for your own sanity. Before that woman gives birth, remakes her decision and terminates her parental rights... you, lovely and wonderful prospective adoptive parents that you are, are just an option. That baby, simply by where he/she is exisiting in time and space (aka: another woman's uterus) is just not your baby yet. He/she may become your baby (and good freaking luck not getting invested in that) but the experiences and journey of an expectant mom facing a crisis pregnancy just really, really isn't about you.

The hardest words for me to hear just after James was born came from our lawyer: "She hasn't signed yet. Don't get too excited." And I was pissed at her raining all over our happy lovely parade... but she was right. Had S. chosen to parent (which is as legitimate of a choice as adoption) I would have been devastated, but at least I would have had some self preservation skills from actively working on framing this experience as being S's, and not mine.

Annnyway.

3. Meh. It's the end of the workday people. My brain is mush. I'll leave you with cute James pics....


hanging out at the local kiddie pool/fountain.... so handsome


delicious craft paint. mmmmm.