House envy...

Yep. That's what I'm having lately.... that and yard envy. :(

J and I sold our house last fall, as we were facing a bumpy time financially and were very, very house poor. Paying for James' adoption and living off a significantly reduced income (in order for us to stay home with James for a while) made it nearly impossible to consider not selling. So, we did.

And now we're sad. We like where we live now (it's just as big as our house and it's a nice place, plus we have wonderful friends for landlords) but it just isn't our *home* the way our house on Dennett was. Lately it seems everyone is house hunting or gearing up to do be new homeowners and, while I'm happy for them, I'm over here hosting the year's best pity party, with a guestlist of 1. Boo.

We're in no shape to buy a house right now: our credit is in serious recovery from the fall and we'd have to turn to bankrobbery creatively finance a downpayment to even consider our own place.

Blah.

/piss and moan

it's that time of year....

Happy Pride, everyone. :)

This post is picture heavy, but I wanted to share a few pictures of my chosen family.... all of these were taken yesterday (6/17) at our local Pride event, and later -- at a free outdoor Lori McKenna concert. :)

Taken from the parade....this flag was seriously enormous.


Here's James, J, Uncle Xander and Lucy, hanging at the festival post-paradey goodness...


And here's a close up of the fabulous Miss Lucy, resplendent in her summer dress and in love with her feet...


Ok, not sure what's happening with James' outfit here, but he's pictured with his Tante/Godmother Holly...


We were a pretty big kid contingent for Pride... here we all are picnicing...


Our newest friend Mattea, a-freaking-dorable in her Pride bling and yogurt face...


All of this left Jamesy a very tired boy...


And the nap was important 'cause we only stopped at home briefly to check on the pup and then headed straight to Freeport for the free Lori show (fabulous!)...

Here Uncle Stephen (James' Godfather and our housemate) snuggles his nephew...


My child, lover of climbing, with his Uncle Barrett...


And the final pic (my favorite) James with Lori's band behind him... not to mention the *great* sky!!


One last thing -- here's a link to a video of James dancing to Lori... *grin*
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=98de5088aeee476844f0d&skin_id=0&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url




Needless to say, we had a blast. I found myself having those weepy "I-love-mykid-and-family-and-life" moments over and over again. Just a really *good*day. :)

Nana...

My nana turns 77 a week from Friday. She sent me a postcard last week to ask if I'd make up her favorite olives -- big green ones with garlic cream cheese stuffed in the hole -- but upon talking with her yesterday she recanted...

The chemo's making her too sick to eat much of anything. :(

* * *

Nana was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer in February -- the day after James' first birthday, actually. She's been on an agressive chemo treatment since March: three days on, 11 off until at least Christmas. We've been told that with chemo she stands an excellent chance of beating cancer... but the chemo itself has obviously been a horrible process.

We visited Nana yesterday for the first time in three weeks. JJames had been vaxxed in mid May and the Dr. recommended staying away from anyone whose immune system had been compromised till the vaccines worked their way through. Anyway, it's only been three weeks, but Nana looks so much older now. :(

At one point she sent me upstairs to get a shopping bag of donated children's books she'd been gathering for James and it hit me pretty hard that I had become something more akin to a visitor lately -- I stay in the public spaces of my Nana's home when I visit, and rarely ever make it upstairs to the bedrooms, office or old art room.

It hurt my heart a bit -- to realize time is marching forward and there's nothing I can do about it. I touched the new wallpaper in what used to be my Grammy's room -- the old light blue flocked wallpaper has been replaced by something more contempory-country-casual. I picked up a picture of my nana at 55 or 60... when she was still sporting a red tint to her white hair. I creaked down the hall to peek into my Papa's office... still familiar with the built in double beds and the pine beadboard panneling. I used to invite friends to sleep overs on those two twin beds.

*sigh*

I just love that house, I love its occupants... and I just really don't want to be a visitor any more.

7 things

7 Things, James edition:

1. Talking! "yeah" (his favorite word, and default... WAY better than the typical toddler default of 'no'.) "here" "kitty" (which he says as though he's a South Park character -- kih-TAY) "dog" and "duck". We think he's also saying "three" (when we count... us: one, two.. James: 'tree'!). He also howls like a wolf when we're reading animal sounds books to him. Priceless.

2. Mamaing! We don't differentiate: both of us are "mumma" to James. It's funny, if I say "where's Mumma?" to James he'll always look for J, and when J does the same, he looks for me. Apparently "Mumma" is whoever he isn't currently talking or interacting with.

3. Dancing! Oh he loves to dance. For real. He hates TV but will stop and clap for singers or dancers on the crappy reality TV shows we should be restricting. (Bad parents...) He just loves music... I'm so thrilled.

4. Not eating! My fabulous eater has disappeared, leaving a picky toddler in his wake. :( Once favorites never see the inside of his mouth. We've resorted to a number of tricks to get veggies and fruits in. Best trick ever: veggie booty (Bwahahahahaaaa.... you THINK you're getting a treat, but NO: they're covered in kale! and spinach! take THAT!)

5. Not napping! We're in that awkward transitional stage between one and two naps. This means that James' favorite schedule right now is napping one LOOONG nap from 11ish to 2ish. : Anything earlier and he skips his afternoon nap and then is a beast from 6 on, anything later and we miss our nice child window and he's so overtired that the nap becomes a huge fight. Blah.

6. Reading! OMG, do we read. He loves simple books now, and we're totally in the "read this specific book four hundred times" stage. He really likes books he can interact with -- the "Not My" series, books where you can count little plastic frogs or ladybugs or stars, lift the flap books.
Not exactly fine lit yet, but as long as we're reading I'm happy.

7. Matching! We have a few books where there a mouse or a ladybug on each page and sometimes we'll skip the 'plot' of the book and just point out the reoccuring animal on each page. He finds this hysterical.

i'm the gay. so fucking what.

All the talk about Bush pushing a federal ban on same-sex marriage is making me violent. Yeah, yeah.. I know: it's not going to pass, there aren't enough votes in the Senate to create a 2/3rds majority, Bush is only bringing this up to rally the base and pander to the uber-right in time for elections... yada yada. I get it.

It doesn't make being used a a wedge issue -- as a pawn in the political machine -- any less painful. It doesn't make me any less sad. Any less disappointed in humanity. Any less angry.

Why can't my son have two legal mothers? How is that hurting the institution of marriage? How does me legally marrying my spouse affect any other partnership or marraige -- gay or straight?

If you're straight -- think about your partner dieing, leaving you with a small child you have no legal right to. You now have to go through a homestudy and adoption process, just to continue to care for the child you've been parenting from birth. Think about having no legal access to survivor benefits. Think about facing the very real possibility that your right to make burial arrangements for your spouse could be challenged by an unaccepting family member. That you may have been denied the ability to see your partner in the hospital while he or she was dieing.

Think about reading headline after headline stating "Adoption laws for opposite sex couples being challenged" or that your government has an unhealthy fixation on whether or not you should be allowed to be married to your spouse. Think about being preached against at your place or worship. Think about being held to a higher standard as a parent, and as a person. Think about being "other". Think about worrying how out you should be at your job, with the new neighbors, or in your child's school. Think about hearing "That's so straight" -- where straight means "stupid" -- regularly in your workplace or in your circle of friends. Think about people boiling down your complex, loving relationship to your spouse to only a sexual relationship. Think about being told you're "flaunting your sexuality" by holding your spouse's hand or kissing him or her goodbye.

Think about knowing that a LOT of people in the world, without knowing a damn thing about you or your life and love, fear you. Think about a world where people can form a 'church' where members are so disconnected from reality that they will picket the funeral of a victim of a hate crime, that they'll carry signs saying "Thank God for AIDS" or "Die Faggot".

Think about having to carry that, day in and day out, without letting it color the way to stay open to new people, without it coloring how you go about living and loving and fighting for your place in the world.

I bet you'd be fucking angry too.

the worst blogger ever....

It's true! I don't know why I try to keep a journal... I'm horrible about actually updating it nce the newness wears off. Since it's been a while, here's an update of where I'm at in list form.

1. James: He's so damn *edible* lately! It's crazy.. J and I frequently just look at eachother grinning and exclaim like crazy people about how much we just LOVE our kid and isn't he the FUNNIEST and CUTEST child just ever?!?!? What has happened to me?

Seriously though... if he's anything, he's *funny*. And since a sense of humor is about my favorite attribute in a person, I'm just thrilled. Oh and HE thinks he's funny too. He's just learned how to laugh that proactive laugh that toddlers give -- the OMG Look how funny I'm being?? See how I'm pretending this is a phone? Whew! Ha Ha! laugh, complete with occasional snorts and the 15 month old equivalent of knee slapping. It's hysterical.

He also rocks out to music now -- head bobbing, butt wiggling, legs kicking, tongue sticking out or lips pursed in a Dixie Chick or Springsteen induced fit of musical happiness. I just die.

2. Class: It's probably how often I hang out online with folks that have more than we do, but lately I've been throwing myself a huge pity party that we had to make a number of huge financial sacrifices that other's didn't when looking at adoption. I am happy with my choices: I choose to live in southern Maine, where we're pretty much priced out of the housing market now that we've sold our house because this is my HOME and my family -- given and chosen -- live here. We chose to build our family through adoption -- and I firmly believe that was the best decision I've ever made... I just wish I didn't have to make so many compromises financially in order to adopt and then to afford to only work part-time.

3. Weight: This is so not adoption related, but I've also been pretty self reflective lately about my weight and my relationship to food. I haven't seen a 1 as the first digit in my weight since early high school probably, and I really need to look at how I eat and how I take care of myself. I'm weighing (ha!) my options...

4. S: I don't mean to add this as an afterthought... as it really deserves it's own post.. but on Mother's Day, J, James and I visited with James' birthmom S. for the first time since she flew home after papers were signed. I just don't think I can do my feelings or the experience justice in words. Suffice to say: it was a wonderful, emotional visit and I'm hoping that it may be the beginning of our adoption opening a bit. She looked wonderful --it was great seeing her non-pregnant :) and it was great to be able to see that James' eyes are mirror images of hers, and that his jaw is probably going to slim down post-baby chub to look a lot likeS.'s and his bio sibling's. Anyway, it was an important day, and I'm thrilled we were able to see her.

5. Leaving: My closest friend left this afternoon for a four or so month trip to Denver to live with her boyfriend for the summer and early fall. The plan, for now, is that she'll move back her (with the boy) in October after having saved up a bit of money and experiencing another part of the country. Oh, I hope she comes back. She's James' godmother, the keeper of my secrets, just that best twin-like girlfriend every woman wishes for. I spent all week getting old school and making her a mix CD for her plane ride out... each song picked after agonizing about lyrical significance and importance to her/us. Sigh. Her daily presence in my/our life will be missed *greatly*.

I leave you with a few pics of the babester after his first beach trip of the summer '06 season. :)